It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp

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It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp

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Jeff can’t even imagine what high school would have been like with the social networking technology available to teens now-a-days. Sexting definitely complicates the dating world a bit…although Jeff probably would have still spent most of his nights playing video games. Nerd.

TRANSCRIPT:

Cell 01
Flirty girl trying to ignore Tyler.

Tyler:
Yo, baby. Did you get my text earlier? The one with the picture of my abs and the message “Wanna do some laundry 2nite?”

Cell 02
Flirty girl still ignoring him, looking uncomfortable.

Tyler:
Well? Baby, I just wanna bust out the bounce sheets and tide you bounty.

Cell 03

Flirty Girl (embarrassed):
Can you just leave me alone?

Cell 04

Tyler:
Pfft. Bitch. Whatever you’re ugly anyway. I was just trying to do you a favour…

Cell 05

Kate:
Hey Tyler, is it hard being such a shining example of humanity? Your mother must be so proud…

Cell 06

Tyler:
Shut it Komichi, you’re not much better.

Cell 07

Kate:
Don’t worry, Tyler, I’m sure some day you’ll find true love.

Cell 08

Kate:
When you’re older, you’ll meet a lovely woman who steals your heart. Sure, she’ll think you’re a dirt bag but I’m sure you’ll devise some way to capture and lock her in your basement for a few years.

Cell 09

Kate:
Then she’ll escape, you’ll go to jail forever–no doubt stabbed to death during a dispute over cigarettes–and the world will be all the better with one less man whose is such a charming, but fragile, little snowflake.

It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp

Jeff can’t even imagine what high school would have been like with the social networking technology available to teens now-a-days. Sexting definitely complicates the dating world a bit…although Jeff probably would have still spent most of his nights playing video games. Nerd. TRANSCRIPT: Cell 01 Flirty girl trying to ignore Tyler. Tyler: Yo, baby. Did […]

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Change

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Harrister

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On October 6th, don’t ignore the invisible gorilla.

Change

On October 6th, don’t ignore the invisible gorilla.

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Part-time Job

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Part-time Job

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I’m just thankful I have the proper permits…those mall cops take those stickers quite seriously. In other news, what exactly has Griff killed for?

TRANSCRIPT:

Cell 01

Rhett:
Are you going to sign up for ODSP?

Cell 02

Griff:
I’m stackin’ too much paper my part-time job so I don’t qualify.

Cell 03

Griff:
S’okay though, I kinda dig gettin’ my swag the ol’ fashion way. Got a real sweet position too. Lots of authority.

Cell 04
Image of Griff rolling up to a mother and two young kids at the wheelchair table in the food court.

Griff:
Ma’am, you got a proper permit to be sitting at the handicapped table?

Woman:
Um, no? We’re just eating lunch.

Cell 05
Griff pulls out a crowbar.

Griff:
Ya’ll best be steppin’ off then. And if you be resistin’, I’m not above brutalizing a woman in front of her progeny.

Cell 06
Woman and children running away, Griff looking philosophical.

Griff:
People be thinkin’ this sticker is just a joke or something. It ain’t. I’ve killed for less, lady.

Part-time Job

I’m just thankful I have the proper permits…those mall cops take those stickers quite seriously. In other news, what exactly has Griff killed for? TRANSCRIPT: Cell 01 Rhett: Are you going to sign up for ODSP? Cell 02 Griff: I’m stackin’ too much paper my part-time job so I don’t qualify. Cell 03 Griff: S’okay though, […]

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ODSP

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ODSP

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Hrm. This program sounds kind of familiar.

TRANSCRIPT:

Cell 01

CAPTION: After School…

Principle:
Now, Rhett, Mr. Harlem tells me you had some…ahem…choice…words regarding F.A.T.S?

Cell 02

Harlem:
Tell’um that mumbo jumbo you’ve been spewing all afternoon.

Rhett:
Converting physical labour into fetishized commodity is against the rules of nature.

Cell 03

Principle:
I think I understand what’s going on; you’re just worried you won’t be able to participate on account of your afflictions.

Rhett:
Afflictions? No, it’s Marxism.

Cell 04

Principle:
Right, Marxism. Well you don’t need to worry son, we won’t let your Marxism get in the way of you earning some F.A.T.S. It just so happens I have a great idea.

Cell 05

Principle:
Any student who can’t earn F.A.T.S because of their “problems” will be put in a program that awards them some F.A.T.S every month—not as much as the people working really hard, of course, but just enough to get by.

Cell 06

Harlem:
That’s a terrible idea, ripe for abuse. People who aren’t disabled will try and get on and the disabled will just find ways to con the system.

Cell 07

Principle:
We’ll just have a rigorous screening process that goes into exorbitant, humiliating, detail about medical history and such. You know, just pages and pages of forms and paper work to prove you’re of an arbitrarily decided qualifying disability. Of course, they’ll also need to continually prove their disablement…just in case they get cured or something.

Cell 08

Principle:
And we’ll make them report their income—I’m sure they won’t mind giving us complete oversight and rigorous controls over their finances. And if they go over the monthly limit, even by just 5 tokens, we’ll just clawed back their monthly allocation and repeat offenders will get kicked off. That way no one can get rich off the program.

Cell 09

Principle:
And we shall call this service “Obviously Disabled Special Points,” ODSP for short.

Rhett:
I think you may have misunderstood my concerns…

ODSP

Hrm. This program sounds kind of familiar. TRANSCRIPT: Cell 01 CAPTION: After School… Principle: Now, Rhett, Mr. Harlem tells me you had some…ahem…choice…words regarding F.A.T.S? Cell 02 Harlem: Tell’um that mumbo jumbo you’ve been spewing all afternoon. Rhett: Converting physical labour into fetishized commodity is against the rules of nature. Cell 03 Principle: I think […]

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Forced Labour

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Forced Labour

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This episode is dedicated to the fine folks at rTraction, a local web design company, who donate SO much time, money and energy to making London a better place. You don’t see that too often from a private business and they’re a business we can and should be really proud of.

Keep up the great work over there 🙂

TRANSCRIPT:

Cell 01

Principal:
It’s come to our attention that at some point over the summer, many of you have developed a bit of an unhealthy weight problem.

Harlem:
You’ve ballooned out like a Palin kid before their wedding.

Cell 02

Principal:
Um. Yes, well, we’ve decided it’s our responsibility as educators to help combat the plague of obesity that’s befallen our school and are proud to announce a new program to help us in this fight.

Cell 03

Principal:
After this assembly, you will all be given custom debit cards. Every time you complete some form of physical activity you will be awarded points for the “Fitness and Activity Token System.” Walk to school? You earn F.A.T.S. Take phys ed? You get F.A.T.S. Join a sports team? You’ll be rolling in F.A.T.S.

Cell 04

Principal:
Thanks to a wonderful donation from local web developer we have opened a brand new store in the cafeteria where you can use your hard earned F.A.T.S for everything from electronics to clothing.

Cell 05

Principal:
Physical labour will get you cool stuff, while at the same time helping you get healthy. Our entire school will now be a functioning economy run on F.A.T.S.

Cell 06

Harlem:
Get ready to sweat, fatties, because your bubble butts have blown their last butt bubble.

Forced Labour

This episode is dedicated to the fine folks at rTraction, a local web design company, who donate SO much time, money and energy to making London a better place. You don’t see that too often from a private business and they’re a business we can and should be really proud of. Keep up the great […]

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Tim Hudak on Foreigners

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Tim Hudak on Foreigners

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Hrm. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard this speech before? I’m sure there’s a logical explanation

Like last election, we’re going to be putting up weekly attack ads on Mondays, except this time they will all be focused on Tim Hudak because, seriously, we can’t let this guy win.

Tim Hudak on Foreigners

Hrm. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard this speech before? I’m sure there’s a logical explanation… Like last election, we’re going to be putting up weekly attack ads on Mondays, except this time they will all be focused on Tim Hudak because, seriously, we can’t let this guy win.

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Join the Army

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Join the Army

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Dear Michigan Militia who may be reading this comic.

Please don’t mistake us for Red Coats the next time we’re in Michigan.

Thank you,

Jeff & Clara

PS: Welcome to Season 4 of Cripz. Yay!

TRANSCRIPT:

Cell 01

CAPTION: First day back to school

Rhett:
Man, it feels like we just left this place…

Griff:
Yooo, Gordo! How was your summer, man? Do anything fun?

Cell 02

Gordo:
Surprisingly. Left this god-forsaken town. Did a pre-packaged vacation.

Rhett:
Oh ya? Where’d you go? Europe?

Gordo:
Michigan. Militia Compound. One month.

Cell 03

Gordo:
Really looked forward to it too. Spend time with my kinda people; gun owning, freedom loving patriots.

Not the granola munching, Marx humping, science-o-philes we got up here in Canuckistan.

Cell 04

Gordo:
But low and behold, when I arrived I discovered something was rotten in the state of Michigan—they’d gone soft. None of them had even killed someone before. If you haven’t spilled blood before how can we trust you to do it when King George comes back to get what’s his?

Cell 05

Gordo:
The whole lot of them had gone soft since 1776. It was my responsibility, my duty to the home of the brave and land of the free, to whip these lard asses back into shape.

Cell 06

CAPTION: First, I had to get rid of the current commander. With him out of the way, taking the throne would be a piece of cake.

Militia Man:
This is bull-crap. Do I look like Osama bin Laden? We killed that guy months ago!

FBI Agent:
This is for your own safety, sir. Bin Laden has magical powers we can’t even begin to understand…

Cell 07

CAPTION: Next, I had to implement a new fitness and nutrition regiment.

Gordo (standing on a dead bear with a bite out of it):
You kill it, you eat it.

Cell 08

CAPTION: But when I starting teaching them how to properly interrogate a captured enemy they said the militia wasn’t “fun” anymore and they kicked me out.

Gordo (holding a bucket and towel as they walk away):
Can’t take a little water boarding, you babies?!

Cell 09

Gordo:
So I decided to take my ball and go home. And their balls too…and by balls I mean assault rifles. Good luck stop the red coats now, you ragamuffins.

Join the Army

Dear Michigan Militia who may be reading this comic. Please don’t mistake us for Red Coats the next time we’re in Michigan. Thank you, Jeff & Clara PS: Welcome to Season 4 of Cripz. Yay! TRANSCRIPT: Cell 01 CAPTION: First day back to school Rhett: Man, it feels like we just left this place… Griff: […]

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Definitions of Truth

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Definitions of Truth

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It’s interesting how people can leave out/manipulate facts to support their arguments. Che Guevara was a bad man because he murdered people. Barack Obama is a good President because he isn’t closing down Guantanamo Bay as promised.

Fact really just depends on how you look at things.

Having said that, it’s a fact that Sessionals are cannibals. I’m looking in your direction, Michael Daubs.

This concludes Season 3 of Cripz; we hope everyone liked it. Check back next week for the beginning of Season 4, which promises to be bigger and better than ever! Or at least promises new episodes with marginally better jokes. Okay…well, there will be drawings of wheelchairs, that much we can promise.

TRANSCRIPT

Cell 01

Rhett:
…and with that, the Zapatista movement of the Chiapas, Mexico, achieved victory. None of this could be possible without the heroic actions of the masked man, Subcommendente Marcos, a presumed farmer who rose up and boldly said to the capitalists “Get your hands off me, you damn, dirty, apes.” Questions?

Cell 02

Kate:
Wait, that happened back in 1994…is anything really different in Mexico now? I’d hardly call chilling in the jungle and releasing essays and decrees a revolution when Vincente Fox stayed in power and capitalism still reigns…

Cell 03

Rhett:
Ah, but Fox did lose power and left office.

Granted, it was because he lost an election…but we all know it was the EZLN that brought the defeat about.

Cell 04

Kate:
Isn’t Calderon just as, if not more, conservative than Fox? And what’s more, isn’t it widely agreed that Subcommendente Marcos is actually a professor and, as such, likely wealthy?

Cell 05

Rhett:
That’s what the FBI wants you to think. Besides, do you have any idea how much professor’s make now-a-days? They might as well be farmers.

Cell 06

Rhett:
Only problem is that farmers can at least eat their crops if money is tight. If a prof did that it’d be cannibalism.

Although, I’m sure some Sessionals have considered eating their TAs—grad students will do anything if they think it’ll get them a job after…

Definitions of Truth

It’s interesting how people can leave out/manipulate facts to support their arguments. Che Guevara was a bad man because he murdered people. Barack Obama is a good President because he isn’t closing down Guantanamo Bay as promised. Fact really just depends on how you look at things. Having said that, it’s a fact that Sessionals […]

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Healthy Body Image

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Healthy Body Image

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We think Drake might be a bit misinformed about why women get breast reduction surgery…

Yep. He actually said that. You can check out the full interview here.

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Healthy Body Image

We think Drake might be a bit misinformed about why women get breast reduction surgery… Yep. He actually said that. You can check out the full interview here.

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Slut Walk

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Slut Walk

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Although not related in content, this one goes out to all the Backyard Chicken fans who didn’t get their wish at City Council tonight. Oh, also goes out to the dude who scored a big bonus in the Mayors office. Tax freeze?

 

Slut Walk

Although not related in content, this one goes out to all the Backyard Chicken fans who didn’t get their wish at City Council tonight. Oh, also goes out to the dude who scored a big bonus in the Mayors office. Tax freeze?  

Read More